about a girl...

almost 2 years ago, i peed on a stick. as i sat there, waiting, my heart began to beat a little faster. doubt turned into shock as the blank screen turned into two small, pink lines. it was in that instant that i knew i was going to have a daughter. i don't know how i knew, but i did. 10 weeks later, i was lying on a table for an ultrasound. still not a moment of doubt, and the nurse confirmed what i already believed. a girl. apart from thoughts of bright tutus and pigtails, i considered what it was going to mean, raising a girl. obviously, i am one. and so, my perspective of what her life would be was a little clearer for me. i thought about my relationship with my mother, and how i so want that for she and i. i felt, and still feel, privileged to be a part of such a sacred bond.
as i watch my daughter grow, and oh, she is growing, i feel lucky and amazed every day. she's mine, and i'm hers, for now, and i hope in some way, for always. she's stubborn and sweet. loving and independent. she likes spicy food and babydolls. she loves to sleep, and dance. she's engaging, and when i watch others play with her, and enjoy her company, i swell with pride that i get to be the one to keep her. to get her dressed and watch her grin when she loves what she's wearing. to share my jewelry with her, and indulge in her cuddles whenever i can.
i am trying to remember to put her down and let her walk more. let her explore this world that i hope she finds as beautiful as i do. she's not even 2, and i find myself already wanting to make her understand how special she is, and how beautiful and smart. i want her to be confident and strong, and i know firsthand how hard that journey will be. but i made it there, and i know she will, too.
i will look around soon, any minute now, and she will be a real, live girl. with homework, crushes, crazy curly hair, and doubt and happiness. a few brief moments after that one, she will be a real, live woman. with friends, and a partner, and a favorite wine, and a home, and maybe children of her own. and still with a mother who will hope that she is happy deep down to her soul. i hope we are always close. i can't wait to see what this sweet little being will paint on this world.
i love you, mallory j.