not ok.

here it is. the post that's been about one week, or ten years in the making. i have pondered, i have fumed, i have cried, ranted, and cussed. i have daydreamed about saying things that will never sound as awesome as they do in my head if i said them out loud. or write them here. but today, i realized that while my raving may be pointless and eyeroll-worthy, i want to do it anyway. when have i been known to keep my mouth shut?

what happened.

what happened was i made the mistake of commenting on the status of a Facebook friend that i don't know well. it was one of those "repost this if you believe in BLAH BLAH and BLAH. 98% of you are too chicken!!!!!!!!"

can i just interrupt myself to add that those status updates are ridiculous and most are probably written (poorly) by bored kids? write your own updates. mkay? mkay.

this particular zinger was about the tragic state of charity and how "we" send all our money overseas when there are people here who need things. troops who need supplies, and mentally ill who need hospitals. me being me, thought, oh, hey...let me shed some light. it's the nice thing to do. i politely explained that while it's true, there are MANY families in need here in the states, i feel it's important to remember that in some places, there are no programs in place to support the poor, the sick, and the hungry. there are earthquakes. natural disasters of all kinds. no matter where in the world these things happen, HUMAN BEINGS are meant to help one another.

i added something about charity being a personal decision and that i feel as long as we are giving what we can, to whatever cause we feel drawn to, then that's what will make the world a better place.

the response was all a blur except one line. to paraphrase, it said...

ready?

there are kids being adopted from other countries, while there are kids here in the US who need homes.

*pause for suspense*

*pause for you to collect yourself"

*pause for you to go find another blog to read if you agree with this statement*

honestly, i know that fellow APs i know have been told this very thing. i know all the responses that we are armed with, and yet, reading those words made me blind with anger. blood rushed to my head, which immediately started pounding. it was as if someone had told me "your son shouldn't be your son. he doesn't belong HERE."

is that not what it sounds like?

i tried to formulate a response that reflected my hurt feelings, anger, and also could provide some education on the subject. like it mattered at that point. it didn't work. i'm not going to waste any more energy reliving the conversation. basically, i was furious, she didn't seem to understand why.

here's what i came up with today. i don't live in a world, mental OR physical, where i am better than anyone else because of where i HAPPENED TO BE BORN. because NEWS FLASH you didn't do shit to get here. our ancestors did, but that's another story, that so many people obviously choose to forget when they complain endlessly about "immigrants". i love my country. i do. but it makes me so very, very sad when i see my fellow Americans take patriotism to a level that is nothing less than ignorant. and it makes me want to shout to the world IT'S NOT ALL OF US! I'M HERE! WE'RE EQUAL!

years ago, a fellow business owner in my town used to come in to my studio to chat. more than once she brought up, in a hushed voice, the topic of "black people". make sure you whisper it. "black people". i would stare blankly at her, remind her that we were in the process of adopting one of those "black people" and i would proceed to act bewildered. but i didn't speak up.

i should have said something. i should have told her HOLD UP. don't put me in your little club just because our skin matches. our hearts do NOT. please leave.

how many times have people, some my friends, made comments that made me cringe.

taking the car to the Mexicans to get cleaned.
do you know that one Indian at the BP station?
black folks can't drive or swim. it's just fact. i'm not racist.

right there. those words. here's what i'm saying, or trying to, but not making clear.

IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO PREFACE YOUR FORTHCOMING STATEMENT WITH "I'M NOT RACIST, BUT..."

DON'T SAY IT TO ME.

ever.

it's not okay. i'm not okay with being hurt every day by people who should know better. it's not about religion, it's not about politics, it's about being a HUMAN. with a heart and a soul. it hurts me so much that people have so much hate in their hearts, even if they try to hide it. even if they make excuses about it "not being a stereotype, it's the truth". you don't know shit about any one's truth but your own.

it's not okay for me. it's not okay for my family. it's not okay for our future, for the children who are growing up in homes where parents use the "n-word" and "faggot". it's not okay that a good portion of the people i have been associating with in this world would have a problem with their child dating outside their race. if you say you love my family, then ask yourself that question. could your blonde haired daughter marry my son with your blessing? if not, that's not okay with me.

i think i had tricked myself into thinking that things were not so bad. now it seems every day i am slapped in the face with ignorant comments and it scares me. my small hope, the one thing that keeps me confident that it won't always be this way, are my kids. the kids of the beautiful families that i know feel the same way i do, down to their core. our kids will grow up and prove them all wrong. they will lead the kids that were lied to, to the truth. it's not their job. it's not even going to be something they know they are doing. but it can happen.

prop 8. the "mosque" drama. tea parties. arizona. people here, that i know, questioning the way we chose to start our family. as if they have the right. i don't have to agree with all of my friends' politics. we don't have to vote the same. i can be friends with people of any religion...
...but when you dehumanize someone by making their RACE, or where they were BORN, the main aspect of who they ARE as a PERSON, their ONLY identifying factor....THAT'S NOT OKAY!!!!!!

i don't know whether to run into the streets preaching equality (as if i could ever find the courage), or retreat into my home to keep my heart, and my family safe from hurt for as long as possible.

outwit.

tucking charlie in tonite, we had this conversation. i thought it was pretty clever...on his part, not on mine. :/

cf: "can i watch a movie?'

me: "nope"

cf: "but i'm scared! i'm scared without you in here or a movie on. what if bad guys come?"

me: "bad guys won't come here."

cf: "why?"

me: "because...all the windows and doors are locked. and we don't have anything fancy."

cf: "what if they break the window?"

me: "then i will call the police and they will go to jail".

cf: "what if they come down the chimney?"

(here's the part were i start uber failing)

me: "ha! no way. only santa can come down the chimney."

cf: "but what if the bad guys have a ladder?"

me: "wellll....they can't get in because...because there's a special lock on the top of the chimney so people can't get in."

(can i just say in my defense that this is the FIRST time i have tried to make up a ridiculous lie to appease my child. i thought i should give it a shot.)

cf: "what if they break the lock?"

(ugh. brace yourself)

me: "um, it's made of a special, unbreakable metal."

cf: (pondering) "so, how does santa get in?"

me: (proudly) "well, we unlock it on christmas, silly! duh!"

cf: (confused) "aaaand what if the bad guys come on christmas?"

me: (facepalm)

after that, i fessed up. i just can't do it. i can't make up crazy answers to questions that i know he will figure out anyway. i'm just going to have to get better about explaining hard things to him in a kid-friendly, but not idiotic, way.

(how does one do that exactly?)

what else?

oh, my new obsession. yeah, there used to be these vampire books that i read...? i kinda remember being addicted to them, and now i have found myself there again. which is why i am frantically blogging tonight's post while eyeing my new hardback on the end table.
apparently, people knew about this trilogy and i wasn't paying attention. PLEASE, if you enjoyed Twilight, READ THESE BOOKS. no vampires, but there's something similar in the writing. (yeah, both tweener books, but they feel mature enough!;)

presenting:



here's a review:

no, nevermind. all the reviews are too spoiler-y. you trust me, i know you do, so just go get it. or borrow mine. just make it happen so we can freak out together, mkay? mkay.

a few more quick things, since i now have a great book AND a strawberry milkshake awaiting me (are we SURE polygamy isn't legal? OHMYGOSH i'm kidding. calmdown.)

i'm seeing the cardiologist again due to some crazy heart racing spells. i'm sure it's nothing, and they aren't worried either, but we're doing some testing. better safe than sorry and all that jazz!

we find out the sex of hethen #3 NEXT FRIDAY! how is this flying by so quickly? eeek!!

more soon. by soon i mean, whenever i feel like bloggins. g'nite!

TREASURE!!

who doesn't dream about being a treasure hunter? as a kid, i was always looking for a good mystery, random clues to a long-kept secret, even ghosts. the thrill of finding something hidden never goes away. adam used to (back in the woo-ing stages, haha) hide little notes with clues on them that led to a prize. so of course i married him! ;)

a few days ago, my good friend Loyd told Jessie and I about Geocaching. we both lit up as he described the website, clues, GPS, and logbooks. over the weekend i registered for the website, and today we took some time in between selling (YES, we did work today) to do a little caching.

Our first adventure took us to a local spot in Milner. The hider of the cache, which can be anything from a pill bottle to a large bucket, registers the coordinates and clues on the website. they all have names and are rated by difficulty, so you know what you're getting into. in case you happen to be wearing dress clothes and sandals. ahem. this one was called I Can See The Light, and was rated a 1/5, so it's an easy one. BUT we were first timers, and this cache eluded us. quite the sight, us walking around the side of the road with our phones out, trying to match our steps to the exact coordinates. we poked around under bushes, in a hollow tree, behind a trash can. no luck. as we pulled away, defeated, Jessie said..."we should have checked back there near those trees." she was right....we later learned that it IS there, but we have yet to go back.

we still had a few minutes before my first appointment, so we read the next cache clue, titled Open House. as i read the description, Jessie let out a squeal. "i know where that is!!" off we go. we found the general spot, pulled over and got out. on the side of the highway. (yes, you must be very careful while treasure hunting!) it took just a few minutes, and i triumphantly pulled the cache from it's hiding spot. we were GIDDY. needless to say, i was hooked from that moment.

Jessie with our first find!




the rest of the day i had thoughts of bringing Adam out, how much Charlie would love it, about hiding our own and posting them to the site. this is something that we can do as a family, pack a cooler and go for the day. it's something different. a lot of people already know about this, but i had no "clue". harhar. ;)



next we pulled up The Big Red G, which instantly we knew was near the UGA campus in Griffin. the clues led us to a nearby bridge, and even though it was a little creepy, Jessie found the cache, again with the happy squeal. signing the log books is so much fun.
me signing in at The Big Red G cache:



throughout the day, we hit a couple more caches. Jessie is much more patient with it than me. at one point, while tramping through some wooded area and cursing the briers and mosquitoes, i was ready to give up on that one. i could tell that not finding it was going to drive her nuts. in fact, she may be back there as i type this.

one of my clients to see today was in Zebulon, so OF COURSE we went ahead and made a stop at one last cache. the clue led us to a place of business that was open. it also mentioned that the people there would know what you were up to, and not to be shy. after a few minutes of searching with no luck, we went inside and met a super nice man named Mike. Mike was very excited when we realized what we were up to, and immediately came outside with us for a little guidance. after signing his log, we talked about how it was our first time ever Geocaching, and that we both loved it. he said he's been at it for almost 5 years. :O where have i been??

there are over a million geocaches hidden all over the world. it can be something as simple as the thrill of the hunt, and signing your name alongside the treasure hunters there before you. to me, that was the best part. i am in love with this, and i can't wait to share it with my family! sign up if you haven't already, and go on your own adventure. just don't forget the GPS. this IS 2010, after all. ;)

jessie discovering treasure at Birdie Clubhouse:



the fun starts here:

http://www.geocaching.com/

i hope some more new people discover this and love it as much as i already do.

4+2= fun

mallory's birthday party was fantastic. so many friends and family showed up to celebrate with us. the hot dogs were yummy, the pink lemonade flowed like wine (ok, like lemonade), and the Hello Kitty cupcakes were not nearly as terrifying as i'd imagined they would be. :) Miss M scored some great loot, got tatt'd up, and had a 4-hour-nap inducing BLAST.

thanks and love to our guests. <3












for the record, the number of babies we now have to have for bye-bye and bedtime is....SIX!!! six babies, people. ain't no joke. ;)

Circus Circus!

tonight my sister called and said that they wanted to go ahead and bring Mal's gift over today. since it's her actual birthday and we didn't really do a whole lot, it was a great idea.
about a week ago, Marlena called and gave me the dimensions of the gift they were planning on getting. ok, of course it's fine! bigger is better, right? haha. once it was assembled, i joked about finding Cullen something even bigger for Christmas. Mwahahaha...

awesome gift, great aunt and uncle. :)

um...these photos are backwards. this is me not caring. hehe.











can't wait to party on Sunday!

Funny Girl...

MalMal will be 2 years old tomorrow! she is SUCH a character. her personality changes often. one minute she's headbanging to Lady Gaga, and the next she's feeling and putting her babies down for "night night".

here are the FOUR babies that mallory now diligently cares for daily:




we have Tagatha, of course. Tagatha will also be celebrating her birthday soon, as she was a present for Mal last year from her Nana. Every night since, she has cuddled her and rubbed the tag on her back, even in her sleep. it's her comfort item, and sadly, the tag is now attached by (gulp) duct tape. every time it comes off, mallory sobs and it's the most pitiful thing you ever saw. permanent tag replacement will be soon, and hopefully go unnoticed.

also in the family is a kitty cat doll that Mal got for Christmas from Carrie and Robby. she has recently fallen in love with KittyCat. she kisses it's nose all the time. Hello Kitty is also a permanent companion, and lately, charlie's first doll has gotten lots of attention. i'm hoping it stays at 4 for a while. i'm too young to have this many grandbabies. ;)

here's our girl playing, and generally being adorable, on her last day as a "something-month-old"... :)

An Ounce of Pretention...

...is worth a pound of manure...

one of my favorite quotes from Steel Magnolias. and a thought that crosses my mind often lately.

Warning: this is a rant.

here are my thoughts. i know that there are people out there who prefer to avoid all things mainstream. bands, movies, television, pop culture. i think in some cases it's a genuine lack of interest. genuine aloofness. i think in a lot of cases, it's a desire to be different and fight idea of being herded into whatever "they" want us to watch, listen to, or wear. i totally respect that. it's the beauty of freedom. my issue is when people who choose not to participate in the fabulously ridiculous culture we live in, ridicule those who do.

there are those of us who choose to listen to pop radio. some of us watch American Idol and The Bachelor. i know people who are slightly obsessed with the goings-on of (ahem) Lindsay Lohan. i even have one friend who is deliciously in love with New Kids On The Block AND occasionally listens to Britney Spears. ;)

all of these people, including myself, are upstanding members of society. we pay our taxes, donate to charity, read the news, educate ourselves on real issues. we all vote. some of us even recycle. i stopped buying bottled water because of all the waste. i send money to haiti and ethiopia. i have traveled, read books, met people, and seen many things.

it frustrates me that some people assume that because you enjoy the silliness that you are ignorant of what's REALLY going on out there in the world. maybe the fact that we DO know what's going on out there drives us to need an escape. i know that yes, there are people who are ignorant. there are people who can't tell you the capital of Alabama, but can recap the plot of General Hospital for the last 14 years. i get that it's not how we all live.

i truly believe in "to each their own"...and let me go ahead and admit that OF COURSE i have teased people about hobbies. Warcraft, for example. i have many friends who play it, and even those people can laugh about it. i can laugh at myself for spending 3 hours watching something that is total crap. we poke fun when someone REALLY loves a Ke$ha song. including myself. there is a difference between teasing among friends and the ACTUAL belief that you are better than someone else because you only listen to bands that no one else has ever heard of.

please know that i am not talking about joking. i'm talking about real "holier than thou" attitude that i have been seeing lately. maybe i'm defensive. we all do things differently. it would be nice to remember that THAT IS THE FREAKING POINT OF LIVING HERE.

so, tweet on, Perez. i'm listening to what you got to say. you, too, Anderson Cooper. there's room in my brain for the both of you.

First Day Jitters? Not here!

i was plotting, all day, to totally lie on this blog post. okay, well...withhold information. i planned on leaving out the part of the morning where....

wait for it...

I SLEPT LATE ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!

the kids are supposed to be dropped off between 7:45 and 8 am. at 7:30, i wake up to charlie in my face saying "mooooommy, it's schooool tiiiiiime"....to which i jumped up, grabbed my phone to check the time, and hauled ass out of bed. i don't know WHY my alarm didn't go off...ok, i also don't know if maybe i turned it off. i was dreaming about winning some money on a slot machine and also being attacked by bees. sooooo....it's possible.

luckily, the angel that is Meredith showed up right then. i got dressed and washed my hair while she got CF ready. mallory woke up too, so i ran in to grab her and rushed out of the room, bashing my little toe into the toddler bed and almost crashing us both down the stairs. we got teeth brushed, pictures made, supplies in the car. (the entire time with me muttering, "why did i do this, why on the first day, WHAT is my problem, okay, calm down, we will make it, it's fine, oh my GOSH i am the worst mother ever"....and so on. all charlie said was "i'm so nervous that i might pupe!"






we got in the van around 7:42 and made it right on time. charlie was irritated with my picture taking outside the school, saying "you're making me EVEN LATER"...haha. we saw some more friends from preschool, none of which are in his class, but it's ok. he's going to make friends quickly, no doubt.



we got to Ms. Holcomb's room and handed off lunch money and supplies. charlie went right to the rug and sat with the other kids while i tried not to hover. one quick hug and kiss and i went out the door, but...i didn't leave right away. i hung out in the hallway, just curious to see what he would do. as i peeked in, most of the kids were still sitting patiently. what was my son doing? are you ready?

CHARLIE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RUG DOING THE ROBOT!!!

i will never, ever, forgive myself for not getting a picture. but i didn't. we're all gonna have to move on. ;)

luckily, jessie called me right as i was about to have the meltdown that had been creeping up on me all morning. i wasn't as upset as i thought i would be. just a little sad, and i really just missed him. even though i work daily, knowing he's at home is comforting. this is all new.

i spent the morning working at the office, checking the time. i came home for lunch and a nap, and finally it was 2:30. Charlie ran up to me in the hallway shouting "Mommy!" so freaking sweet. i mouthed "how was he?" to his teacher, who seemed surprised that i even asked. "he was great", she replied. *phew*

since then, i have asked him 4,684,873 questions. "did you nap?" "were you a good listener?" "did you sing songs?" "what songs did you sing?" "did you enjoy your lunch?" ...and so on. it was so much fun to hear his answers. he did totally sell out one kid in the class, saying he didn't listen to ANYTHING the teacher said...haha. said kid shall remain nameless, who knows if his mama is reading?? ;)

long story long, charlie had a perfect first day of school. he's excited to go back tomorrow. i will turn up the volume on my alarm. but i might forget his lunch money...NAHHHH.