I just received an email from our adoption agency. Lots of you received the same email tonight, and I know that many of you are having the same feelings that I am. But I have to get these feelings out. I can't explain how upset I am. Basically, some changes have been made, and CHS is no longer allowing birth family meetings, and no longer providing Post Adoption Services. This means that even though I clung to Charlie Fekadu's birth mother and cried with her and promised her pictures and letters as often as possible, I was not telling her the truth. I cannot fathom that these people will now how to live out the rest of their lives wondering what happened to their son? That those people who they talked to for half an hour were lying and they do not care to think about them ever again?
From what I have read, it looks like this rule has come from the whole debate of the meaning of a "true orphan". All I can think is that someone decided that if a parent is to relinquish parental rights, then they must also give up their desire to care about their child's well being, their future, and the idea that they MIGHT have been able to have some piece of mind that they did the right thing when they see photos of their child, smiling and happy, and read letters from them as they grow older. Maybe I am partly upset because I thought that sending letters and photos would alleviate some of my guilt. I am sure that's some of it, and I am being honest. But how I am supposed to feel, when I cannot uphold my promise? They gave us a gift that I can't even begin to thank them for, and yet, they will never know how truly blessed and grateful we feel. They will wonder if something horrible has happened, if Charlie Fekadu is safe, if we ever even think about them at all. I want her to feel his smile, even if it is gazing at her from a glossy 4x6. I thought that was the ONE thing I could do for her. I put my face close to Charlie's every night and just breathe him in, and pray that somehow, across the world, she can feel him and smell him and sense him. I guess I will have to pray harder.