Thursday, November 20, 2008

Opia.












I need to go back. I usually keep Ethiopia tucked away inside me, but I feel like I can't control the urge to go. Everything in my body wants me on a plane.

For me, but mostly, for her:


This afternoon I almost tossed the last of a loaf of bread, because it was old-ish, and possibly getting a little stale. Thier faces instantly flashed in my head and I felt so sick. What the hell has happened here?

Sometimes I don't think I deserve for one second to follow in her footsteps for this boy.
I'm sorry for the melodrama, but it's late and I can't sleep and I can't stop crying.

I had no idea.

14 comments:

Cindy said...

:(
I also had no idea. I don't think there is any way to be fully prepared.
Be strong momma. Sorry you are having a hard night.

Rachel said...

Oh, Heather. I'm so sorry. We all know it comes with the territory but it can still catch us off guard.

Heather & Adam said...

Thanks, ya'll.
It is definitely a part of this whole amazing process, but sometimes the tragedy of it just slaps me in the face.
It's good to be understood.
Thank you.

nosmallfeat said...

Oh heather -- that last picture and your last paragraph just burst me into tears. Last night I was putting Max to sleep and he HAD TO put pull-ups on UGA and PJs and he sat on the floor patiently doing his fatherly task and I watched him and thought of "her" and what she might think of all this. She would want him to be safe, warm, fed and happy. You have answered "her" prayers.

... and b/c you are who you are you will find a way to make sure she knows it. We will ALL find a way to make sure they know.

I am rambling b/c I am crying (thank you very much). I want to give you a hug. I know. Too well I know.

xoxo

Julie said...

Hugs to you. Big hugs.

Ashley said...

I think about my daughter's birth family every day. It breaks my heart to know that such huge disparities exist. There's no reason that I should have so much and they should have so little. I am with you. I had no idea how difficult this journey would be. And from what I can tell, I don't know that it gets easier.

ErinM said...

Yes, and yes. I don't know how to wrap my mind around it sometimes. It just seems so wrong that their firstparents should be put in this position while we have the luxury of throwing out slightly stale bread. And yet, what an amazing honor to be entrusted with these beautiful and special children. I just don't know how to deal with it sometimes, either.

Yesterday was Kamu's birthday. I spent all day thinking about his firstmom and wondering about her, and wishing that I had a direct link to show her the son that we share. We are doing what they wanted for their sons, but it doesn't make it easy to know that they wish they could do so.

beth said...

Same sediments exactly. I had no idea...

The rewards are so great, but it never really erases the pain.

Thank you for writing this.

Jess Addison said...

I can't make it better or even say I understand what you are feeling, but know that I love you and your family with every ounce of me. Kiss your babies for me....I hope your night got better. :/

2girls said...

I totally get what you are saying. Sometimes it comes over me like a tidal wave and I can't catch me breath.

Anonymous said...

I have the same thoughts. I look at Turner and see so much of his birth mother in his eyes. So soft and sweet and trusting and loving. I just want to cry. I catch myself all the time saying, 'You look like your momma' and then thinking, I'm your momma. But there is another momma I can't seem to get out of my head. And a grandfather whose face said, I'd give my right arm for you to stay with me. I wish all the time to reconcile those feelings. I just don't think i'll ever be able to. I feel like I was given a tremendous responsibility and I just don't know if I'm doing as good as she would have done given the same luxuries that I have.

Anyway, I ramble because all these feelings well up and I can't seem to organize them.

Jan

Nicole Anderson said...

Thank you for posting something so real. Something so many of us are dealing with. It is hard, my oldest is now 6 and I can say, that it doesn't get easier. Really though, thanks for sharing.

Stacy said...

I never met my baby's momma but someone who did told me she looks like her. Dang her first mom must have been beautiful. I know, there are days/weeks I just sail through mired in daily tasks and then CRASH I run into that brick wall of all that we know ...

Deirdre said...

It's breathtaking, the grief, isn't it? And the guilt of it all—that it's so damn unjust, and that we've benefited from it. My stomach hollows every time I think of it (which is often).

We're thinking we'll go back when the kids are 6 and 8. When do you think would be a good time to take Charlie and Mal?