Okay, I'm ending my blog hiatus (hopefully, this time) with a bang...I have been wanting to write about this for a while now, and the time has come. I haven't managed to offend anyone since the election, and well, I guess I'm due.
Okay, I take that back. I'm not literally out to piss anyone off or be disrespectful...just want to voice my opinion, concerns, and questions.
Actually what I want to express here is that what I feel toward religion in general isn't contempt, it's more like...I feel left out of this club. I see people who have so much faith in what they believe in, and I'm thinking, "Well, why can't I have that?" And it's not that I don't WANT it, I just cannot make myself get it. I don't TRULY believe everything in the Bible...I don't TRULY know in my heart that there is one way to heaven, or that there even is one. And I can't fake it, either. I know that the meaning of the word "faith" has a lot to do with not having proof, and believing something anyway...but I'm just not there. It leaves me feeling like my soul lost out on some trait that allows me to believe without question. I see people quote scripture, and offer prayer, and I feel a little guilty when I smile and nod, all the while thinking, how come you have it?? Where's my big sign?
I have, in the last few years, started to sweat this whole thing a little less. I do believe in God, a God of some sort, and I really can't imagine the big guy/gal condemning folks who really did mean well to eternal fiery torture. Isn't that just...mean? And contrary to some people's beliefs, I DO pray. I pray all the time, and not just "O,God-I-am-about-to-run-this-red-light-please-don't let-me-die-right-now!" I have had some pretty spiritual moments where I felt such calm, and such a real presence with me (the most notable one happened to me in Paris) so I do not consider myself to be some heathen with no connection to the greater powers. I just cannot pretend to know what those may be. I HOPE there is more after this amazing life I am living...I hope to see my family members again...I hope to feel embraced by warmth and love and to never doubt anything again...But hope and faith are not the same. I know that many of you who do go to church and have that faith are probably shaking your heads, thinking about the many sermons you have heard about people who are saying the same thing as me..."If I am a good person, then SURELY, I will get in the gates, right??" And I know that Christians do not believe that is enough. But for now, it's all I got. I get uneasy when I hear that all gays are doomed, or that liberals are never really Christians...why not? So while I do not agree with many aspects of that major religion, I do admire faith in any form. I admire people who have that...thing. There is something beautiful about taking that leap. I hope one day I can. For now, I look at all religions as different paths to the same outcome. I think it's exciting that we can (or should be able to, as human beings) choose our own paths. And I don't like to think that heaven is won by being lucky enough to choose the right one.
So, in closing, I will say that if you do indeed, have the faith, I don't really want advice on how to get it. That sounds rough, but I have had many people try to help me out with this, all my questions and doubts, and I just think it's going to happen on it's own...or it won't. I do have moments of panic...Oh, shit, what if I DO die tomorrow and as it all slips away, I think...'all I had to do was accept Jesus as my personal Lord and Saviour, and I couldn't even do THAT? Come ON! I do, I do!' The closest I have gotten to having religion click with me was reading the book Eat, Pray, Love. Elizabeth's journey to God through meditation and prayer was amazing, and if only I could spend three months in an ashram in India, I bet I could do it to.
There I go again, ever the cynic...what's wrong with me??