Monday, December 1, 2008

The Mother Letters

I just came across the most amazing gift.
What a husband, who came up with this idea. I read some of the letters. I wrote a letter. You should, too.
Write to your mother, to a birth mother, to a future mother, to all mothers, to yourself if you want to!
Waiting mothers, mothers of 8 kids, we all have plenty to say.

The Mother Letter Blog.

Also, anyone who writes a letter will recieve copies of all the letters.
It's a gift for all of us.

I hesitated to post my letter here. I have actually been staring at this page for 20 minutes. I don't mean to bog down my blog with laments and heartache. I know I had a bad night recently, but I try to be honest here, and if I have two sad blogs in a month, then so be it. You can always choose not to read it if you have had enough of weepy 'lil me.



Dear Mother,

I am the mother of our son. The beautiful boy that you and your husband somehow found the strength to let go of. To send him far, far away, and face the reality that you may never see his sweet face again. What kind of courage does that take? How big of a heart?
What does it feel like, to not be able to put food in your child’s mouth when he is hungry? I can’t imagine. I can’t imagine having the strength of lions. The guts to walk through fire like you have done.
He looks like you. He is so tall and has the longest eyelashes I have ever seen. He is dynamic, hilarious, and so full of love. He has started to understand a bit more of his story. This week, for the first time, he asked me why Mommy and Daddy had to come to ‘Opia to get him and bring him home. My mouth opened, but nothing came. How do you explain such tragedy to a wide eyed 2.6 year old, when he himself is the center of the tragedy? Such a blessing for us, having been brought to life by our son, but at a cost that haunts me daily.
I wonder how many times a day you think about him. I wonder if you still cry every day. I wonder if his older siblings miss playing with him. I wonder if they hope he will come back, magically return and make it all okay. I look at my wedding photo and realize that you were four months pregnant on that day. I had no idea.
I remember you crumbling to the floor like a hurt child when I gingerly and shamefully handed you the silver 5x7 framed photo of our baby boy. It seemed insulting, in a way. I wanted to run away from it all at that moment. I wasn’t brave enough for this, I thought.
The idiocy of that thought sent flames to my cheeks. Brave? Brave? You have the audacity to feel sorry for yourself? I had to find my balance, because I remembered that you expected more from me. I needed to show you that I was going to be a good mother, no, an incredible mother, because what choice did I have? What choice do any of us have?
I always remember that I could have easily been born you. You could have been born me. When we were born, we landed where we landed, and I don’t think I will ever understand it. There is no justice in what has happened. I try to believe that if our roles were reversed, that I would have been strong enough, too. To do what you have done. You brought him to me, to my family. He is adored. He laughs (but you can’t hear it). He sings songs (but not in his native tongue.) He gives hugs and kisses constantly (how I wish you could feel them).
We teach him about you. I tell him what I remember and what I wrote down. I know the day is coming when the questions will be more detailed, more intense. There will be pain, confusion, and tears. I am doing my best to keep my promise to you. We have so much joy in our lives because of him. Because of you.
I believe that one day, we will meet again. In this life, in another, somehow, somewhere. The connection that we have as mothers is unbreakable. We share the love of one child, one beating heart that means more to the two of us than to anyone else in this world. I am honored and humbled to share that love with you.
You wondered why we had not had any children before. Your hope was that he would grow up with lots of siblings. I assured you that he would have that, and you would be happy to know that our boy is now a big brother. A brother more in love with a baby sister than I ever thought possible. He makes her laugh. He soothes her. He helps feed her. You would be so proud.
One day, I will tell you all this. I will hold your hands and tell you the stories of this life you gave me, and him. We will laugh, and we will cry, and I will never, ever stop until that happens. I am keeping the promise, dear mother. You are my family, and I love you, from far, far, away.

Heather Beauchamp
Mother of 2

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow, thank you for sharing that.


Gracie's Mom

Cindy said...

That was amazing. Thank you so much for sharing that with us.

Anonymous said...

Way to make me cry so early in the morning. I think you hit the nail on the head for all of us. THanks.

Jan

Nicole Anderson said...

That is amazing. Thank you for sharing something so personal.

nosmallfeat said...

Your willingness to be so honest is one of the (many) reasons I think the world of you.

Mama Sweet Pea said...

Such beautiful writing and so honest. I love the image of holding the hands of these mothers who have given us this most amazing gift, and sharing the stories of our child together. Thanks for sharing from your heart.

Mrs. Baker said...

WOW!!!

WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWWOW!!!

BEAUTIFUL!!!!

AMAZING!

sobbing tears...thank you for sharing!!!

Mrs. Baker said...

PS: I am linking!

Julie said...

Beautiful Heather.

Mark and Sarah said...

Oh the tears, man, Heather you really wrote a letter. My hopes are echoed in yours...if only they knew what we know. I hope someday they do, but it will be too late for them to experience life with their sons. There is no justice, I just hope that somehow they find peace, that we all find peace. Sniff, sniff.

April & Doug said...

Heather - when I think of amazing mothers - you are one. As we've discussed many times before we are both in difficult situations - - as different as they are it's still painful. Your day is coming Heather and I think Charlie's birth mom will be proud... but not only of her son but of the mother that stepped in and raised a wonderful man! Love ya girlie!

stephanie said...

I'm totally speechless. Crying but speechless.

Sunshine Ray said...

I am in tears! That was so beautiful!

Kari said...

Tears, tears and more tears.
I saw you look into her eyes in Ethiopia, and I know that you will fulfill everyone of those promises. You are a great mom and CF is lucky to have two women who love him the way you both do. Have the same faith in yourself that she had in you. She saw you, she trusted you and she would be proud of you. Believe in you.